You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
