I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Is that strawberry winking at me??
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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