yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
