Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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