Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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