God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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