why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
