I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
