i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
