yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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