thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
