At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
