We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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