just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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