Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
