i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We are two peas in an std pod
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
