wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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