Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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