I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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