Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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