your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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