She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
