get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
wow bdsm is so cute
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
