Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
