guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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