Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
