my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize