I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
