I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
