I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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