so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
