I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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