i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
