True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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