I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
