I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
