remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
