We're facebook friends in real life
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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