Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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