Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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