i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
