When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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