If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Barsexuality is the new black.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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