just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
