theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
