As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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