so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
