this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
