Where did you get a picture of my penis
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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