I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
