and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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