porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
