i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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