he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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