Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
