i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize