Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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