I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
