Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
