I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
