Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
