Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
are you so shy because you have an std?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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