Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
