She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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