I'm pants shitting drunk right now
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
