we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
