The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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