There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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