she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We're not piercing ourselves today.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
