Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
