It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize