You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
