Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
