if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
