fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
