Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
