Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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